How Grief Comes In Waves

Grief comes in waves, it’s said. Because mourning isn’t linear. There’s no playbook to lead anyone through it. Except our emotions, which we are left after the fact to feel.

And feel, and feel. And still bring tears. And still bring that sting. Punch in gut. Burning lump somewhere between stomach and throat. Just… pain. Inconsolable, forever pain.

Pain that makes us scared to do it again, like tripping back into the experience again. And hoping it doesn’t happen to another child. It can’t. It’s really an unreasonable and unreasonably stubborn lingering, rending fear.

It’s probably out of place, now, but in making some updates I ran across some specific text about my son I lost in 2017. In a short couple of months from now it’ll be two years since I delivered him.

It’s a wound my spirit carries that I am determined to keep living transformation for. I will keep maintaining this space. For you, all of you. And for myself.

And towards that, I wanted to share two things I wrote after he died.

Poem for Grief 1

I wrote “Forever Moonlight” a month later in January 2018 while listening to David Bowie sing “As The World Falls Down”. It reads backwards because I can get literal.

Forever MoonLight

and the deep of cold stars.
Always, always show through.)
(And stray hopeful flowers that
and memories,
like the perennial winter,
I will love you eternally

you were gifted to wear.
like the halo and feathers
And missing you,
adrift in quiet spaces.
My soul watches for you,

of noticing.
gone between moments
And of life
give while I could!)
able to
(Except what I was still
the loss of warmth.
It’s a bitter hourglass,

turned upside down.
the way your life was
bereft—
is turned upside down,
My love for you

Poem for Grief 2

Per my notes to myself, I composed “Solace” in March 2018. The point at which I wrote this would have been about the time I found out I was pregnant again with what became a ten-week loss the last weekend of that April.

Solace

Beautiful spark
So bright beneath my heart

My small baby boy
Forever with my soul to enjoy

More could be said
but your spirit,
already Skybound, ‘s abed.

Curled amongst my heart waves,
a less beastly sea of tears I’ve cried,
soft rainbows keep you warm. Alive.

These poems are how my grief came to me in waves. I hope these pieces are a balm for you as they were for me.

If you haven’t expressed yourself lately, try. Poetry, music, meditation, a walk in nature, or going on a camping trip to get in touch with your feelings… any of these activities can be very healing.